Cayden just turned one about a week ago and I still can’t believe how fast time has flown by. Aside from accepting the fact that I no longer have a newborn, I have slowly started to accept myself.
What does this mean? Let’s start with my body.
Pregnancy does some crazy changes to your body. I have always been confident about my figure and I just haven’t been able to look at myself the way I did before pregnancy. Even when Steven randomly tells me I’m smaller than when he first met me, in my mind, I can still see the “pouch” from pregnancy, my natural double d cups are no longer perky (thanks to breastfeeding), and for some reason I have avoided standing in front of a mirror because in my mind I have a “mom” body.
I will say though, I got lucky with the stretch marks because I have zero. It was the one thing I was so extremely worried about and I lucked out when they needed to take Cayden out three weeks earlier due to preeclampsia. I think if I would have carried full term I would have definitely stretched out a little more and would have a few of them now.
I know what you’re thinking, it could be a lot worse like my bounce back game could be non existent. But here’s the thing— it’s not just my body. It’s been a mental struggle for me with everything else. The same way I’m told I’m tiny but my mind points out all the flaws, my mind has also put me through an emotional roller coaster.
It’s crazy how your mind can have so much control over you.
As a mother, you can’t move the way you used to. My son is my first priority and will always remain that way no matter how old he gets. That also means if I want to keep working toward my goals, I can’t sacrifice an inch of time or effort. Because to me, that’s opportunity wasted.
Running an online business, trying to perfect my craft and be the best employee at my office job, while taking care of the responsibilities of being a mother and a wife isn’t easy and I’ve had emotional breakdowns. I’ll have days where my mind tells me I’m failing at one or the other because I’m spreading myself so thin.
Things that run through my mind:
- “You’re not giving Steven enough of your attention”
- “You’re not taking enough time out of your day for Cayden”
- “You’re failing as a wife because you don’t cook often”
- “You’re failing as an employee because you’re not producing results fast enough”
- “You’re failing as a business owner because you should be doing a lot more”
I didn’t realize how much of myself I was giving until recently. I have been ignoring me for the longest because I’m giving every ounce of me to everything and everyone else. I was in this funk where the things I’ve always loved to do seemed more like a hassle than enjoyment.
After a year of learning, growing, adjustments, and a strong support system, I feel like I have a better grasp on things. I’m finally finding a balance that works for me which has given me time to find myself again. I’m loving my new “mom body” and I’m learning that everyday won’t be cake.
If at the end of the day Steven and I still love each other, Cayden is in one piece, orders are coming in, my parents and in-laws are proud of me, and my bosses are happy with my efforts, guess what?
Maybe I’m not failing as much as I thought…